Cat Genie is a hit!

We were all a little unsure how the cats would adjust to the high tech litter box, and it's high tech litter. The thing is a monstrosity. We measured first, and it fits just like we expected, but it's still bigger than any of us were imagining. It's not nearly as loud as I had expected, though! The cleaning process is whisper quiet, except when the water is draining. Even that isn't bad, though.

We have 2 cats. Zoey is an old lady, nearly 14 years old. I don't think she even noticed her cheap, open top box was replaced by the Cat Genie. Aslan is barely a year old and into everything. He's quite the talker, too. He mews and chirps and you can carry on long conversations with him, if you are listening for vocal tone instead of words. That's him, in the picture. He spends a lot of time, now, standing just like that. He sniffs every surface of the interior, including each individual granual, about an hour after each cleaning process. He doesn't enter the room during that first hour for the same reason none of the rest of us do. It has an overpowering musky smell that takes nearly an hour to dissipate. Even though Aslan is neutered, I imagine it's a product of cleaning adolescent boy cat urine off the granuals. We're using the unscented cleaning solution, and I think the reviews would have mentioned if this was common for others.

Aside from an hour of musk after cleaning, the Cat Genie is everything is claims to be. Aslan was confused at first, and wandered around the laundry room mewing piteously the first night. I had to shove him into the box a couple times before he understood that it wasn't just a cool new cave to play in. After that, he's had no problem using it. He's also incredibly intrigued by the cleaning process. He absolutely HAS to be present every time it's run. We aren't using the auto clean feature. It's not recommended while your cats are getting used to the box. Also, we want to be in control of when the musk is released. I would hate for the timing to align with dinner or company visiting.

This box is much like a standard box. The cats don't track out as much litter, but we still have to sweep the area once per day. You can't just use any litter, so it makes sense to sign up for one of the Cat Genie "Very Important Cat" subscriptions. Running the Genie once per day per cat is recommended, but we are finding once per day to be appropriate for our household. So a single year subscription should actually provide us with enough product to last 2 - 3 years. That means we'll spend far less than we ever have on supplies. Even cleaning it twice per day, we would spend (at most) what we were spending to upkeep a regular litter box.

Church Attendance and ASD

It's Sunday morning and my family is at church without me...again. It's not because I'm sick, or having a crisis of faith, or even because I don't want to go. It's because my family needs a wife and mother the other 6 days of the week. It will take me 2 - 4 days to recover from the rigors of that kind of social experience, and I won't be back to 100% for at least a week (assuming I'm not obligated to attend any other social activities while recovering). I love church and I really miss it when I don't go. I think I attend about 1 - 2 weeks per month, though, and I only make it through all three hours a few times per year.

From the discussions I've had with other folks on the autistic spectrum, the way I experience church is pretty common for autistic adults. It's easier for those who are highly medicated, but never actually easy like it is for NTs. I thought today I would explain to the world what church is like for me, and a great deal of other faithful autistic members.

First, we arrive. I try to arrange for us to arrive early. +Liam Shepherd likes to help pass sacrament, and needs to be a little early for that. Also, if we are late I will have my first wave of petrifying anxiety upon entering the sacrament hall. While all eyes are on us, and we're interrupting the Bishop's announcements, we have to figure out where to sit. +Jason Shepherd will just follow whoever heads for a seat first. The three ASD family members will all feel their hearts beating, their breath tightening, and their minds become foggy. Even if our usual seat is free, one of the kids will make a B line for a seat that doesn't have enough room or where Jason (who's 6'7" barefoot) will block someone's view. I'll have to publicly and even more distractingly stop them and point out our seat. If our usual seat is taken, I feel a blinding panic. And when I say blinding, I mean my vision goes foggy and sometimes I get tunnel vision. I have to push past that and find a seat. Sometimes someone else will find one that works and I'll gratefully follow.

We have gotten pretty good at arriving early. We go to our usual seats, and I try to be invisible. The bishop always makes a point of stopping by and saying hi, and sometimes other people do too. If we don't exchange more than a couple statements each, it's kind of nice. More than that and I start to become a little anxious. Sometimes I feel a social obligation to try to socialize a little with someone. I always end up feeling awkward and pretty sure I said something offensive or otherwise inappropriate, but I almost never have a clue what that might have been. Eventually church starts. I really like the songs a lot. I feel the spirit strongly when we sing, and it's refreshing in the way church should be. I like that the ward we're in now sings a lot. Some wards only sing a single verse of each of 3 songs. This ward sings 4 whole songs! Prayer is ok. I find public prayers kind of distracting and very difficult to focus on. My mind tends to wander. Sacrament itself is a little nerve wracking. People really pay a lot of attention to what others are doing at this point. I don't think anyone is interested in me in particular, but most do end up looking at me when they are randomly glancing around. I feel a strong pressure to make sure I'm doing the right things and that my family is too. Otherwise, I'll face someone being convinced something is wrong and wanting to help later in the day or week. I make every attempt to look casual and happy. It seems to be the right thing to do. I smile if someone looks directly at me, but pretend they aren't looking if they don't. I like it best when Liam serves our sacrament because the servers always watch you and that causes an intense pressure not to do anything out of place. Liam doesn't care what we do, and gives me a look like he's in on the joke if we do something odd. That's soothing. Actually taking the Sacrament is nice. Everything else goes away for a few moments. I am completely internalized and nothing else exists. As I understand it, though, a lot of people on the spectrum get nothing out of it because all those people around them are so distracting that they really aren't doing anything but eating some bread and water. The talks are a lot like sacrament, except with someone staring at me for an hour straight. Sometimes the speaker or someone else up front will stare directly at us for a bit, but mostly they are staring blankly over the crowd. We'll be fine so long as we don't stand out in any way. I'm just going to repeat that. No NT drama will be unleashed on me or my family in the future so long as the autistic family who are the only autistic people in the whole ward, and that most of the local members have ever met...doesn't stand out in any way for an entire hour in a nearly silent room full of people sitting as still as statues. That seems likely, right? So, like 5 - 10 times per meeting groups of people snap their eyes onto us in reaction to something one of us did - often without knowing we did it. That number is so low because my kids are older and we have really got the hang of this. From what I gather, we are really blessed with more innate and instinctual camouflage than most people on the spectrum.

If it's been a good week, and a decent Sacrament meeting, I make it all the way through. Otherwise, I have to go hide in the bathroom and get myself under control for a few minutes, so I don't have a panic in the middle of church. So, Sacrament meeting ends and the socializing begins. I do best if I can just stand there uncomfortably and listen to Jason or the kids having conversations. The other ward members are very sweet and want me to feel included though. So, I smile and wear the body language of someone at ease the best I can. I make small talk and try to remember this is a sign of affection. It may be confusing and awkward for me, but it's how these people tell me they like me and care about me. I shake the hands that are offered. I even initiate the shaking when I know it's coming anyway. It's a sign of respect, and people appreciate that. I smile and consciously will my muscles not to tighten up when people hug me. I can't quite keep my muscles relaxed and hug back, but I make the motion and that seems to be good enough. Those hugs are stifling. I feel like I'm trapped and suffocating. They don't usually last long, though. And I understand they are expressions of caring. They are telling me I matter to them. As much as I hate hugs, I would hate if they stopped hugging me, too.

And suddenly, everyone disperses. It becomes calm and quiet in the halls. Usually, this is when I head home. I only recently started that habit though. For the past 14 years or so, this is when I slip into the bathroom, instead of heading to class. I don't often catch much of the Sunday School class. I have to spend that time recovering from Sacrament meeting and preparing for another hour in Relief Society. I lock myself in a stall and breath. Usually, in a manner that closely resembles hyperventilating. I cry. I shake uncontrollably. Sometimes I vomit. Whatever I do, I am as quiet as I can be. The last thing I need is to deal with the interference of someone that doesn't understand what I'm going through. It's hard enough to go through without an audience. When I can hold myself together again, I get myself cleaned up. I find makeup uncomfortable on my skin, but I usually wear it for church anyway. While this adds a little to my overwhelm, it's also a necessary coping technique. I wear so little that most people can't tell I'm wearing it, but it's enough to cover up what I am going through. It's taken me years of work to refine my process to such speed that I can actually attend the full Relief Society meeting. I am only late if I have to meet with the Bishop between meetings or something, anymore.

When the stars align to allow me into Sunday School, I try to just sit in the back and keep my mouth shut. I intentionally don't study the manual, in order to reduce my ability to contribute to the conversation. When we're studying a topic I am knowledgeable on, I usually leave. Teachers usually want specific input from their students, and I am prone to responding honestly and accurately instead. I have NO idea what is actually expected of me, and the answers they're looking for seem too obvious and shallow to have bothered asking for them. Not all teachers are like this, of course, but it's kind of the standard. I don't know if I'll ever understand how to function in these kind of situations. When I try, I just end up back in the bathroom crying anyway. Plus, it often leads to a really negative battle between my self respect and my frustration at being so damned different and weird all the time.

Relief Society is a mixed bag. It is the most intense and demanding part of the day. The singing is frustrating. I have a deep voice. In choirs, I usually end up singing Tenor. The pianist doesn't play anything I can sing with and I don't read music quite well enough to sing really independently against the crowd of higher tones. The smaller, more intimate group means significantly less people to be constantly aware of. It also means individuals are more likely to focus on me. Much more likely, as portions of the format often require the group to focus on specific members. I do best when I'm prepared ahead of time. Reading a verse, maybe, or having a prepared item to present. I'm VERY good at public presentations and speaking. I shake so badly I can't even hold notes, but I'm good at it. So, I don't like it but I always accept an opportunity anyway. I'd rather struggle and succeed than hide from challenges, and I always succeed at that.

I hate hate hate praying publicly, though. It's too private. It's like having sex in public or something. Plus, I pray weird. I sound like a child. Very simple and honest and from the heart. People love to hear me pray and always rave about how refreshing and pure and I don't know what else my prayers are. It's like wearing a sign that says "Freak" though. It's one place I really really stand out as clearly different from everyone else. That kind of thing has lasting effects on my relationships, my family, whether anyone will EVER give me a calling, whether my home and visiting teachers will feel comfortable enough to actually let me know I was assigned to them, etc.

There's more socializing after church. And always more hugging. When we get home, I go immediately to bed. Jason usually brings me some lunch and insists I eat. I eat a little and fall asleep with the plate next to me in bed. I sleep for hours, get up for dinner, and go back to sleep. For the next few days, I go to bed early, sleep late, and nap a lot during the day. And I'm overly sensitive. I yell or cry at the drop of a hat. That's not an acceptable lifestyle for me or my family. So, I usually just don't go to church.

FREE book from John Holt

The kindle edition of Escape From Childhood: The Needs and Rights of Children is being offered for free on Amazon.com. I'd jump on it, if I were you. These things usually only last 24 - 48 hours, and I don't know how long it's already been going.

You don't need a kindle to read the book. There are plenty of free programs that will allow you to read it on your computer, or convert it for reading on another device, or even for printing.

John Holt is often referred to as the Father of the Unschooling Movement. He's certainly one of it's most influential figures. His work is fascinating and enlightening for anyone with an interest in education, from unschoolers to school teachers. In fact, he started out as a elementary school teacher, himself. His observations and experiences within the classroom and the outside world are what sparked his controversial educational and youth rights theories. I highly recommend that anyone in a position of authority or influence over any child should read some of John Holt's writing on the raising and education of children.

Homemade Floor Wash - Yes, it's really that easy!

Over the years, I've slowly found myself in the habit of making more and more of our household products myself. It started with personal care items. Since our bodies absorb nutrients and toxins through the skin, not just the stomach, we generally try to avoid putting anything on our bodies that we wouldn't be willing to put in our bodies. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but we do try. Once I saw for myself how much cheaper and more effective these natural, homemade products could be I was hooked.

Today, I want to share an incredibly cheap, easy, safe, and natural floor cleaner. Here is the basic recipe;

1/2 cup vinegar

1 gallon water

Yes, it's really that easy. You'd have to stick your nose right in it to smell a faint hint of vinegar, and there's no vinegar smell at all once it dries.

 I find the floors have a little more luster if we rinse with clear water after the fact. Honestly, though, we almost never rinse. We just mop with our homemade cleaner, and let the floor air dry. It gets the job done well enough on the kitchen floors and makes the wood floors look absolutely gorgeous!

I like to get a little creative, though. If you like to get a little creative, here are some ideas.

replace the vinegar with;

lemon juice

lime juice

or just add one or more of the following;

1/2 cup mint tea (or other herbal tea you like the scent of or has antibacterial qualities)

a few drops of essential oils (some suggestions are tea tree oil, citrus oils, eucalyptus oil, clove oil, or lavender oil)

Project Day - Cat Genie

It started off like any normal Tuesday. +Liam Shepherd alternated between eating, attended classes, and reporting on his every thought and action while not in our presence...and eating....and sometimes telling us about things we were there for...and eating. It was a generally positive and productive day. Cora is whipping through her new courses and had an exam to mail off. That puts her 1/6 of the way through a full year of Freshman Psychology in 2 days.

Mail drops off at our house, but we have to take things to the post office to send them. Liam joined Cora for the walk, while I enjoyed the rarity of a completely empty house for a bit. And that was when the excitement began! That was when the packages arrived. A late Christmas present. Something we've been wanting and talking about getting for as long as it's existed, but could never bring ourselves to splurge on. A Cat Genie.

If you're not familiar with a Cat Genie, let me explain. It's the most ridiculously expensive and indulgent litter box ever invented. It looks like a giant toilet for cats. I say giant because it's bigger than a toilet for people. It plugs into the wall, and taps into the water, and has a drainage tube that dumps liquidized waste into the toilet. If the data I've read is accurate, after the initial insanely expensive purchase, it shouldn't actually cost us any more than the litter we already buy. In fact, we spend a little more than most so we can have super environmentally friendly litter, and I think this thing will end up reducing our budget a bit. It takes a special kind of litter that it washes clean after each use, with a special kind of cleaner. It's pretty darned environmentally conscious for a litter box, is self scooping, self cleaning, and it even disposes of the waste for you. We can barely fit the damn thing in our tiny bathroom, and I don't think we'll even be able to attach to cool privacy dome accessory it came with. It possibly the most indulgent thing I've ever suggested. Our cats have no idea how good they have it.

There was jumping and screaming and roaring with excitement when the kids arrived home. I let them set it up as much as they could by themselves. They're always chomping at the bit for a new project. They're waiting until +Jason Shepherd is home from work to deal with the water and power issues, though. He wants to work on it, too, and the kids aren't 100% confident they can set it up without flooding the bathroom....again.

Let the Race Begin

Cora's first semester of books arrived this weekend. Let the sibling rivalry commence. She's decided that her goal is to graduate before +Liam Shepherd. It's not really important to her, but it gives her something to focus on. We're working on finding some less competitive inspiration for her. Liam's only real goal is not to let his little sister graduate before him. It's a very important goal to him and he's very motivated to accomplish it. 

Unfortunately, Liam is at a temporary disadvantage. The school had an administrative error and his courses are getting shipped out one at a time. He's been enrolled for almost two months and has only received one course. He finished it with ease, and is sitting around waiting for more. One course should arrive today or tomorrow, and another one sometime next week. Theoretically, a third should be shipped today or tomorrow - but I'm planning to email them Thursday to be sure. 

We're working out the lumps and figuring out the process. In a couple months, they will both have plenty of books and be working at whatever paces they find comfortable. For now, it's a frenzied and frustrating race for the lead, though. 

How did you become the parent you are?

I don't think my big sister realizes just how significant an influence she's had on who I am and who +Liam Shepherd  and Cora are. If it weren't for her, we would have ended up much more mainstream and socially acceptable. We certainly wouldn't have been capable of the kind of love and respect that has driven us to become so unusual.

There are many examples, small and large, of ways she's supported and encouraged us once we were already traveling our paths. The secret, though, is that she put us onto this path in the first place. It was the smallest of things. She gave me some art for the wall at Liam's baby shower. A poem about raising children.

Those first few years were very hard for me. It seemed like anything that could go wrong, did. On top of which, I didn't exactly have a sitcom perfect childhood to use as a template for how to parent. I actually went to sitcoms for specific strategies. When it came to my day to day ideals about how to live and how to treat my children, though, I went back to this poem. Over and over. Sometimes several times per day. I took it literally. I took it figuratively. It was my sacred text. It was the guiding principal behind most of my choices those first few years.

Those choices formed the foundation for my ideals as a parent. They taught me to value the attitudes and beliefs that I eventually found mirrored in the members of the LDS church. They are the basis for the values and beliefs I've taught my children. As such, they're the seed their personalities have been built upon.

Over the years, I've added to my library of resources and references to aid me in being the kind of parent I want to be....and in raising the kind of people I hope to raise. This poem will always hold a place of honor in our household, though. It was the beginning of everything for our family.