It's been a while since I've posted. New babies will do that. I swear, Flynn caught every virus that went through town this winter. They were all hand delivered by the older kids, despite our best efforts. I think we're through the worst of it now. He's been healthy for weeks!

Flynn's doing really well. He's strong and healthy. He's rolling over and sitting up.  almost 6 months old. He's growing like his daddy, and about to move into 24 month size clothes. I tried to breastfeed, but ran dry after a few months. So, after discovering he can't tolerate cow's milk or soy, he's thriving on Dr Sears recipe for homemade goats milk formula. He drinks half a gallon a day! He drank that much of the other stuff, too. He was just sick, and covered in wicked eczema.

Our 15 yr old cat had to be put down last week. She's been going senile for a while, but just finally snapped and started doing a variety of irrational and dangerous things... Including attacking the kids out of the blue. She's been with us since she was a baby. We had to bottle feed her when we first took her in. Rehoming her would have just been cruel. Her body has been shutting down too. The vet said she might be able to prolong her life a little but we'd have been offering her a slow and miserable death that way. Instead, she fell asleep being petted and loved by her family, with her head in my hand like she always liked to sleep....and never woke up.

Our other cat is handling it well. He's so relaxed and playful. I think watching her suffer the last year or so was worse for him than losing her. He's always been Flynn's buddy, but has stepped it up recently. Sometimes when I'm holding Flynn, Aslan will ask up into my arms, so he can snuggle with Flynn. He doesn't try to snuggle with the baby unless he's in my arms, but he's always nearby. It's really sweet.

Flynn's Birth Story

Man, has it been a crazy few weeks! Let's see if I can get you caught up.

Around 35 weeks, I started gaining water weight really bad. Around 36, my blood pressure started creeping up. I didn't develop pre-eclampsia or anything, but I was definitely keeping an eye on things.

At 37 weeks, 4 days, my blood pressure spiked. It was pretty scary alone. Combine it with having gained almost 40 lbs of water weight in the last 2.5 weeks and we weren't willing to just give it time to stabilize. Jason took me into the hospital for monitoring. All tests came back healthy. My blood pressure eventually dropped on its own.

Against my better judgment, I allowed a pelvic exam. Yes, I know these are pointless, and nothing good ever comes of them. I was scared and desperate for answers. I got stupid. They accidentally popped my membrane during the exam. And did we at least get some useful information for the trouble? *eye roll* Ya, right.

It was actually 37 weeks and 5 days by the time the membrane popped. The baby wasn't ready to come out, and my body wasn't ready for birth. I had some contractions, put wasn't going into labor. That meant pitocin. Pitocin sucks. A lot. In every way possible. Not the least of which is how painful it makes contractions... Even unproductive ones!

I had both of my other kids without pain killers. It was hard work, but totally manageable without drugs. I even dealt with a couple hours of pitocin enhanced contractions just fine. After about 6 hours of pitocin... And several dosage increases, which exponentially effect the pain level, the bronchitis started to play it's part. Oh ya, I still have bronchitis. The pain was just too much and I started having wicked coughing fits with every contraction. It became quickly apparent that I wasn't going to be able to push when the time came. I couldn't even catch my breath between contractions.

Faced with a choice between an epidural and possible vaginal delivery, or an almost guaranteed emergency c-section, I opted for the epidural. It was nearly impossible to hold still enough to get it placed, while basically not breathing so I wouldn't start coughing. In the end, it did it's job and there are no signs of lingering problems. Phew! That might have something to do with the length of time it was in. As soon as the pain had subsided enough for me to breath again, Flynn was on his way out. The epidural went in around 6:30am, and Flynn was born at 7:19am. The epidural was back out pretty quickly. Maybe 7:45am at the latest.

We didn't have our home birth, but the hospital staff rolled with most of our preferences with nothing more than curious questions. They caught Flynn in the cute towel Jason had chosen for the task. Liam and Cora were there for the whole thing, and watched Flynn's birth. The Dr impatiently waited for the cord to stop pulsing before clamping it off for Jason to cut. They just had us sign a form to keep the placenta. No one batted an eyelash. The vitamin k shot was their line in the sand though. When we told them we were on the fence about it, they freaked. They got all frantic and started calling pediatricians and social workers and anyone they could think of in to convince us. Not one was capable of holding an informed discussion about the pros and cons, or had any clue how babies body normally functions or how the shot effects those functions. It only made them more frantic to realize we wouldn't respond to anything but facts, since none of them had any. In the end, Jason and I had a gut feeling there would be an issue with Flynn, and decided to get the shot because we feared he'd need an IV or worse. It turned out that we were right.

Upon first appearances, Flynn was perfect. 7 lbs, 11 oz. ... 21 in. ... Scored a 9/10 on the APGAR. He latched on perfectly and nursed well. He was a calm and happy baby. He and I were released after 24 hours.

But he was losing more weight than he should. He was eating constantly but always crying for more. I started pumping between feedings so we could supplement with bottles. He couldn't even handle the low flow bottle nipples without choking and gagging. He became lethargic. He kept losing weight. His Dr put him on a high calorie formula. By then, he was becoming jaundice. His numbers were inflated by the dehydration, but he wouldn't have yellowed so fast if he hadn't had that vitamin k. Three cheers for straining his little kidneys. That got him admitted to the NICU before any damage could be caused. Plus, their standard procedures, as overkill as they may seem, gave us answers we may never have gotten.

Flynn was born with underdeveloped muscles in his mouth, tongue, and throat. He wasn't ready to be born and hadn't finished growing the muscles he'd need to survive. 15 minutes of what appeared to be very productive breastfeeding was earning him only 10ml of breastmilk. At 10 days old, that just didn't cut it. It took 5x as much to maintain his weight, and 7x as much to gain steadily. Unfortunately, he was still choking and gagging and barely actually eating anything, even with the best nipple the NICU had. He would eat 3x as much (just enough to maintain his weight) if we bottle fed him breastmilk fortified with a calorie boost mixed in. I was able to pump just enough to keep him in breastmilk, but I have never had luck with long term pumping. They brought in nutritionists, lactation consultants, feeding specialists. We had loads of information. We had developed a physical therapy for him, that we could continue when we went home. We had a great game plan...if we could just find a nipple he could drink from. He was on the fast track to feeding tubes.

Then nurse Ann came on shift. She realized that if things didn't turn around fast, Flynn was looking at feeding tubes at the end of her shift. She made it her mission to find a way to keep that from happening. She asked lots of questions. She called the Dr and specialists for clarification. Then she disappeared from the NICU for a couple hours. She came back with specialty nipples for us to try. She had called around to lactation consultants and stores for recommendations. Then, she'd convinced a local store to donate enough of the best options for us to have a supply at home if they worked. Flynn was able to drink from two of them. It still takes a lot of work on both our parts, but his intake increased. Nurse Ann had gone home by the time we saw results. Flynn was gaining weight. In fact, he gained so much overnight that he went home the next morning.

It turns out there are some hearing issues too, and he just keeps having more tests to figure out what's going on there. Other than that, Flynn is super healthy now. He's gaining weight quickly, and growing, and today he had his first full meal straight from the breast. We don't expect him to do that regularly for a while, yet, but it's huge that he's nursing productively at all.

20 Weeks - Gender Reveal

We had the sonogram this morning. By we, I mean the whole family. +Liam Shepherd and +Cora Shepherd and +Jason Shepherd were all there too. I think Cora may have strained a check muscle from all the smiling. lol

One of the benefits of such a small community is that the tech had all the time in the world to be incredibly thorough. It was the longest sonogram I've ever had. She was at it for over an hour. She wasn't satisfied unless she had clear pictures of absolutely everything on the checklist. No matter how wiggly the baby was, or how hard it was to find a good angle. The only thing she couldn't do is take a good 3d image. There just wasn't any way to get the angle needed for that.

First, the important stuff. Everything is developing healthily. It's all the right size. It's all functioning incredibly well. And that goes for me, as well as the baby. They check on Mom's cervix and the placenta and such during sonograms. The cord is incredibly well placed. The blood flow within it is about as strong and healthy and ideal as anyone could want. Organs are all correctly organized, properly sized, and those with obvious function are doing their jobs quite well. Bones, limbs, fingers and toes. Everything is as perfect as it gets. She also checked for markers for chromosomal abnormalities. It wasn't on the checklist, but I asked her to check, as my age puts the baby at a higher risk. She took a good look, and there are absolutely no red flags. Everything looks perfect.

Now for the gender reveal. It's a boy! No, there is no chance we were mistaking something else. This kid isn't shy. We saw confirmation from multiple angles during the exam. It is absolutely a boy. We've had a name picked out for years now. Since our first pregnancy together. Patrick Alexander Shepherd. Patrick was my dad's name. I have a leaning toward family names....except that I don't actually like most of the common names in my family. lol I've always really loved the name Patrick, though. Lucky for me, +Jason Shepherd does too. ;) Alexander is Jason's middle name, and his favorite part of his name. He doesn't mind Jason, but he really like Alexander. So, he was very excited to name the baby Alexander. I hope Patrick likes the name as much as +Jason Shepherd does. lol

We talked about it as a first name, but I have some strong feelings about actually naming a child after another person. While it can be great to have that tool to create a kind of instant bond between them....it's often really not that great. It almost always saddles the kid with a sense of responsibility to either live up to or overcome some set of expectations of similarity to the name-holder. I think that's likely the whole point, but it's really not a weight I want to put on my children's shoulders. They have enough internal and external expectations to live up to already. I don't want their names to make them feel like they have to be someone they're not....just to prove they aren't someone they're not. In this world, the last thing they need is any more pressure not to be themselves.

So, in conclusion, Patrick is healthy. I am healthy. Everything is progressing, not just normally, but ideally.

Autism and Pregnancy

OK. I'm about to discuss how two things that vary intensely from person to person happen to mix for me. Don't think for a moment that my autism or my pregnancies, or how they effect each other within me, are some kind of standard. This is one of those things that isn't discussed much, though. So, I feel a kind of compulsion to get that conversation going. ;)

As common as both these things are, you'd think they'd ever end up in the same conversation, right? I know, I know. It's a controversial issue *eyeroll*. With organizations that claim to be autism advocates claiming parenthood is unfair to both us and our children (both because we're incompetent and that we are likely to pass along our "disease") ... it's a subject that is often avoided for fear of flamers. The thing is, it's not really possible to flame on this without sounding like a moron, so they don't really scare me....plus, I'm totally comfortable deleting comments. ;)

I'll do a point by point thing here, because it helps me organize me thoughts. If there seems to be particular interest in one area, I'll jump in with a more thorough post at some point in the future.

BACK PAIN. This isn't usually much of an issue until later in pregnancy. Applying some of the techniques I've developed over the years, for dealing with daily sensory input, actually make this easier for me than most pregnant women, I think.

BRAXTON-HICKS CONTRACTIONS. For whatever reason, I don't really have these...at least not noticeably. The sole exception is if I have a pelvic exam. That always causes me issues, pregnant or not, and can cause very painful Braxton-Hicks, or even real labor in late pregnancy.

BREAST TENDERNESS. I'm going to blame this one on my sensory issues, too. This is one of the most consistently unpleasant parts of pregnancy for me. Far worse and more present than most pregnant women claim.

CONSTIPATION. This condition sucks, not matter what. I'm just as prone to it as any other pregnant woman. Thanks to my special interests (in alternative health and natural living) I am not suffering through this problem, so far, this pregnancy. =D I'll definitely offer up a post on this one, because it deserves it! 

CRAVINGS / AVERSIONS. It is often referred to as a symptom of autism, as well as pregnancy. Cravings and aversions certainly have an effect on my eating habits when I'm not pregnant. They actually became less common with my previous pregnancies. They're so intense and constant that they are practically my sole consideration when eating, this time around! I think the autism and pregnancy food issues have multiplied each other.

EMOTIONAL SHARING. I'm not great at this to begin with. Pregnancy brain has made it almost impossible. People are feeling left out. I'm feeling guilty. I want to include them, but I really have no idea how to do so. It's a big thing right now. =/

FATIGUE. My inclination toward habitual behavior is making this worse on me than it has to be. I keep just doing things I normally do. I don't realize until I've already pushed too far that I probably should have just delegated or done things a different way. Like walking to the lab for my blood work. I was in bed for like 2 days after that stunt!

INTERPRETING IMPLICATIONS. Man, do people say a lot of WEIRD stuff to pregnant ladies. I'm an having a really hard time knowing when they're serious, when they're joking, and often what the heck the point of the statement was in the first place! Taken literally, most of it is either really insulting, or downright threatening. I certainly hope they don't mean what they say.

JOINT PAIN. This one is driving me nuts. I retain an unusual amount of fluid when pregnant, mostly in my joints it seems. It starts early, isn't a symptom of anything other than my body's desire to retain a lot of water. I have tricks, but this post is going to be long enough with just summaries. I do think my sensory issues are making me less tolerant of this one, though.

MOOD SWINGS. Holy cow! Think swing, like those really fast spinning ones they have at fairs, not the cute little kid things at the park. As I've gotten older, my mood has been more and more sensitive to my progesterone levels. Do you know how much progesterone is in a pregnant women???? I'm a basket case.

NAUSEA. This is not something I've had a lot of in life at all. Generally, it is only caused by extremely nasty illnesses, or forcing myself to eat things I have aversions to. Admittedly, I spent a lot of my childhood nauseous because my family didn't understand aversions. As an adult, I have full control over my food choices, though, so even pregnant it's really rare that I make myself nauseous. 

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION. This takes a lot of processing power, for me. The worse the pregnant brain gets, the worse I am at it. My light at the end of the tunnel is the hope that I get so bad I can't even tell when people are using it. Right now, the mood swings just about putting me into tears that I can't interpret whatever communication it is they are clearly sending at me. This includes vocal tones, so I'm even avoiding the phone. *eyeroll*

ROCKING/FLAPPING. Oddly, I'm very still and calm when pregnant. If I want to move, I want to walk or do some other socially acceptable thing. Clean, cook, decorate??? Mostly, I'm just still.

SENSORY ISSUES. Other than amplifying sensory related pregnancy symptoms, these are much reduced. I can even stand to tuck ice packs down my shirt during the little heat wave we have going on right now! That'd usually have me screaming in pain. 

SLEEP ISSUES. This is also much reduced. I have had trouble sleeping, especially on any kind of set pattern, for as long as I can remember. Now, I fall asleep quickly and easily at roughly the same time every night. I wake at roughly the same time every morning. I wake less often, and am back to sleep in seconds instead of hours. 

SOCIAL ANXIETY. This is really amping up. It's not just instinctual, like normal. It went away almost entirely at first. The absolutely constant awkward conversations, miscommunications, and undecipherable language and behavior of others is getting to be too much though. 

URINATION. This is a complicated subject, actually. My sensory issues, and my coping techniques for dealing with them, made this a real struggle when I was younger. The lessening of withholding ability and control that are normal with pregnancy turn this into something that take more thought and planning than anyone without some kind of bladder disorder is likely to understand. =/

VERBALIZATION. I have to admit, I'm having trouble understanding this method of communication. There is soooooooo much more to it than just the words. And, even the words sound different out of every single person. It's like living in Babylon. No two people actually speak the same language as each other...or me! Ya, I have a translation key that applies to almost every word in almost every English language. Pregnant brain keeps forgetting how to read the key though. I just stand there, making people feel unwelcome with my lack of communication, when they talk to me. *sigh*

My husband. Well, frankly, he's so busy lately that he isn't even aware of most of this. So, it doesn't bug him at all. He just kind of rolls with whatever is going on.

The kids. The kids are on the spectrum too. I do have to explain some of the more pregnancy related issues to them a bit repetitively. The autism stuff is just how people work, to them. My going nonverbal or something is about as much of an issue to them as being a hugger would be to an NT. lol 

Here's the really controversial stuff for you. It's the truth that I hear autistic parents say to each other, in private, but that we are all so careful not to say in public. You wouldn't want an NT thinking that we might judge them as cruelly as they judge us. And they would surely assume our emotions mirror theirs if they heard this kind of thing. --- My one real fear is that this kid might not be on the spectrum. It is so rare for me to see an NT in this world that I wouldn't feel like a total failure for having raised to be the person they are. I wonder how much of that is caused by their having NT parents (which my children don't suffer from), and how much is caused by them being NTs. Do NTs just naturally lack depth of personality, and the ability to empathize with people or creatures that are unlike them? Is there some kind of natural deficit that makes logic and reason impossible for most of them? Nature or nurture? If they are raised in a less melodramatic and more honest environment, can they overcome these common NT struggles? Even if they can, do I have the patience to bare with weaknesses in these areas (weaknesses I don't understand any better than they understand common ASD weaknesses) and teach them the coping techniques it takes to interact with the world at large with compassion and respect? Honestly, I hope and pray that I never have the opportunity to find out. The thought of trying to raise an NT absolutely terrifies me. As offensive as I find the idea, part of me wishes they had any kind of accurate way to test for ASD in utero. It would be a huge relief to get a positive....but it would also give me time to prepare myself emotionally if it was negative. I had enough trouble bonding with my ASD daughter because she had very typically NT social and emotional development until toddlerhood. How on earth will I connect with a kid that only every has typical NT thoughts and emotions???? 

OK. Emotions shared. Real and not sanitized for easy public digestion. Disagreements are fine, if presented in a respectful manner. Flamers will be simply cease to exist. Poof! It does feel good to just get it out there, though!

13 weeks

I had an excellent doctor appointment. Let's see if I can remember everything! Lol

- All the previous testing came back inconclusive or negative. That means all my weirdness was almost certainly just a mix of PCOS and pregnancy. I gave blood for the standard run of pregnancy testing.

- We brought the kids with. They heard the heart beat. He had trouble finding it with the doplar. So, they even saw the baby wiggling around a bit on the very low end ultrasound they have at the clinic. It's far too low end to see gender. That will wait for the real ultrasound.

- Even though there isn't a real medical need for another ultrasound, I'll be scheduled for one around 20 weeks. Dr feels it can't hurt to have the extra info (though I got the feeling he might not have suggested it if I hadn't brought it up), and we're anxious to find out who's room needs remodeling before I hit my inevitably third trimester uselessness.

- I love love love my Dr. I can talk openly to him about things that would normally get me kicked from practice just for mentioning. Best example ever:  He's totally comfortable with the idea of my having an unassisted home birth. The fact of the matter is that I'm giving birth wherever my water breaks. If I'm at home, I'd give birth in the car if we tried to get me into town. If I'm in town, the kid will still probably be half out by the time I get to the ER. The thing I love though is how he was totally comfortable with it all. I told him flat out that if there were no major red flags, I was more comfortable with an unassisted home birth than a hospital birth...and that baby and I would come in for a post natal visit "when I felt up to it". He didn't get antsy. He didn't try to control whether that meant hours or days. He just said that it was a good idea to be prepared for any circumstance (as an agreement, not warning) and " sounds good " when I gave him a run down of what the basic game plan was on my end. He even thought it was really cool that I was going to have the kids read doula/midwife reference books so they were prepared to help out or even for the chance I go into hard labor while Jason is at work.

- Also, he laughed and told me it was "perfectly reasonable" when I told him he could have all the blood and urine he wanted, but I wouldn't be drinking glucose or having anyone poking around at my cervix while I was pregnant without a damned good reason. I'm fully aware that there are far safer and gentler ways to carefully monitor a pregnancy than the standard methods...assuming you are inclined to carefully monitor. It's nice to finally meet a doctor that does too! Lol. He doesn't seem inclined towards carefully monitoring unless there is an unusual risk factor though.

- I'm taking the maximum dose of my raw foods probiotic instead of a normal prenatal. At the maximum dose, it meets the minimums suggested for pregnancy... Plus I'm not suffering from constipation even at 13weeks. That alone is all the endorsement it needs! :D

- Normally, I would be having monthly appointments right now but we're a little behind schedule so my next appointment is in just a couple weeks. Friday, June 6th. I'll update again for sure after that appointment. Maybe in between. I was going to update before today but cell service has been really choppy out here the last week or so.

Here we go again

Well I've certainly had a roller coaster ride lately. Things have been going absolutely haywire with my body. I tried adjusting my diet and exercise levels. I tried every home remedy I could think of. I finally broke down and went to the doctor. We began running tests. Each round ruled out less and less preferable issues. Before I knew it, I was scheduled for an ultrasound to look at my ovaries. I won't go into much detail but with my symptoms and testosterone levels (117. Healthy can range from 2-45), ovarian cancer was looking pretty likely. It wasn't my first cancer scare but we really ruled everything out first this time. I was going in pretty sure of the outcome.

All of one second into the ultrasound, the world was tipped on it's side. That's how long it took to find the baby...because it's pretty decent sized. At twelve weeks, it's a little over 2 inches long. The tech really took her time and thoroughly checked out the baby and both ovaries from every possible angle. Everything is incredibly healthy and well developed. We still have a few tests to run just to be sure, but with this added information it looks likely that all the weird symptoms and such are just a result of my hormone disorder interacting with the pregnancy. I haven't had a baby survive past 7 weeks in over a decade. And frankly we weren't monitoring my systems at all until about three years ago. Add to that, I didn't suspect I was pregnant with my first until I was showing... And the Dr insisted I wasn't pregnant with my second until I was around 12 - 18 weeks. Clearly I don't have any idea what's really normal for me in the first trimester. Lol.

What I do know is that I am well past my personal miscarriage zone, and still have a healthy and very active baby in me. And it seems that the pregnancies that are easy to detect are the ones that self terminate, with me. The healthy ones throw off all the wrong signs in the first trimester. Since I'm clearly not incapable of having more kids without fertility treatments, as previously thought, I'll have to keep that in mind in the future!

As for pregnancy updates...
- I can't drink anything but bottled water without getting nauseous. That includes our awesome well water at home. I'm going to give my favorite soda a try tonight though. Fentimens rose lemonade. It's pricey so it's a rare treat. I'm hoping the touch of ginger in it will allow me to still enjoy it.
- I crave raspberries and raw goats milk cheese. I know raw dairy can be a crap shoot during pregnancy but it's soft cheeses and milks that are the real issue. With harder, drier cheeses the risks aren't any worse than eating pasteurized. So I found myself a nice hard goat cheddar (tastes almost like string cheese though, with a texture almost like fresh Parmesan). It comes from Sierra Nevada Cheese Company and is available for a nearly reasonable price at the discount grocer in the nearest big town. I'm eating like 12+ oz of raspberries and 8+ oz of cheese per day and not much else right now.
- Weight gain. I'm like 70lbs above my personal healthy weight range to begin with. At 5' 8" that's not quite as bad as it sounds, but it's still a serious issue. I really shouldn't need to gain much weight to support this pregnancy. I gained about 5 lbs the first month. Then, plateaued. Around week 10, I gained almost 10 lbs. I was bloated with water weight at first. Then, it all just kind of absorbed into my body. My comfy jeans are now snug. :( I haven't gained anything since then, though. So, I am figuring that was just my body increasing blood volume. The body increases blood volume significantly during pregnancy. Not normally so fast, but my body tended to handle changes in sudden shifts with my first two kids. So it's not a red flag.
- Although the baby doesn't have a gender yet, I am beginning to suspect it might be a boy. I'm having truly insane pregnancy dreams, and the one constant is that I'm always a man in them. That's very weird for me. My dreams are usually third person. Occasionally I might be myself or even someone I know for part of one. I'm never just some random guy my mind makes up though. I might share some of the dreams with you, but I'm not sure how well received they would be. They are increasingly disturbing and graphic. The consistent theme is that the guy I dream I am is witness to or the sole survivor of some kind of weird tragedy where he loses whoever he cares most for. They were almost comic at first but are getting to be more and more twisted and intense. The only upshot is that I wake up feeling like I just read a thriller novel, instead of like I just lived through it. The story lingers with me, but without any kind of emotional attachment.
- My next Dr appointment is Tuesday. My last batch of test results will all be in by then. I'll update you once I process whatever I learn then.

My First Guest Post

How exciting! I was chatting with my friend, Jae, who owns Essence Through The Ages. (which is full of awesome, btw) As the parent multiple children on the spectrum, she also has an autism blog. Her readers often express concern about how their own ASD children will get be as adults. What will life be like for them? Are they capable of full independence?

Well, it just so happens that Jae knows a very independent ASD adult blogger. So, she asked if I'd be interested in writing a guest post or few. I agreed to post once per month until either I run out of material or she tires of my prattling. I encourage you all to check out my first guest post, as well as the rest of her entries.

Read my Guest Post here!

This month, I discuss some of my tricks for handling social communication.

Non Verbal ASD

I have to apologize for not posting anything over the last week. I had great plans. I even took fun pictures to share. I haven't had a particularly rough week or anything, but I am having a struggle with my executive functioning and communication skills right now. I've been focusing entirely on keeping things normal with family, home, and kids. Everything else has kind of fallen to the wayside.

This just happens sometimes. It can be triggered by great stress, but more often than not it's my body's kind of calm that follows the storm. We had a wonderful and exciting trip and came back to a few melodramatic dramas that we were able to calm within a couple days. It took me a few days to really recover emotionally from everything. But then, I just didn't have the energy or desire to put on the NT act.

It boils down to an executive function issue. It takes an extraordinary effort to just take that first step and START something without any kind of outside stimuli. I have to have every step planned ahead of time, to begin with. Or I'll have to climb that same huge wall every time I come to a task I hadn't planned. Getting out of bed in the morning? Where am I going once I stand up? And after that? And that? Getting dressed? I have to plan out each item before I even get out of my covers. If I face a decision in the middle of the process I have to consider all the options. That means analyzing each item for it's appropriateness for the weather, for my plans that day, for it's general comfort, and for how soon I'll need to do laundry if I pick it - based on my upcoming schedule. For every single item, so I can be sure I picked the right one. Because that's what it takes to dress like an NT (maybe, if I picked right). If I just did what I wanted, and never had to worry about outside judgement? I wouldn't even bother with clothes most of the time.

This also poses a problem with communication. To start with, I don't think in words. I think in pictures. At my very worst, I sometimes have trouble translating my thoughts into words at all. They call that Non-Verbal. I woke up like that this morning. +Jason Shepherd rolled over to tell me good morning and I just smiled. I knew I was supposed to respond, but I had no idea how. He started asking me questions and I looked like a deer in the headlights. Luckily, my gears started turning. I figured out some words. The task of turning them to speech was too overwhelming, though. Using your breath, throat, and mouth to convert a thought to sound with the proper rhythm  intonation, and volume? A single word I can maybe pull off...but a whole conversation of that?

I pulled out the laptop and started typing. I can understand him just fine this morning, but he knows it takes less effort for me to comprehend text than voice. There are less variables to consider. So, he fired up his computer, too. We sat side by side in bed, typing our morning conversations and planning our day. Then, he gathered my clothes for me and put them on the bed. We both got dressed and went about our day. Jason is aware of the game plan for the day and is the one in charge today (where it would usually be me). He'll remind everyone (including me) of what we should be doing at any time, and help out where it's needed. Days like this aren't often, but they are common. You see, I'm not angry or upset or depressed. I'm actually in a VERY pleasant mood today. My mind just doesn't have the energy to constantly translate every thought and behavior into the very complicated kind of all encompassing communication that NTs consider normal. Trying to do so would lead to some kind of panic attack or classic meltdown. I've established in previous entries that I dislike those things and chose to avoid them. Luckily, the NTs in my life don't corner me into them like most people do to their ASD friends and family members. So, this will continue to be a very pleasant day.

Heart Attack!!!

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope your's is great, whether someone else is treating you right or you're treating yourself right. =D Personally, I'm enjoying an empty house and some alone time. The kids are serving a tritip dinner at a fundraiser. +Jason Shepherd  is working. Did I mention he's moved over to swing shift? Well, he has. I'll be picking up dinner at the end of the fundraiser, and meeting Jason at work for his dinner break at 8pm. Our big celebration will be this weekend.

The excitement started last night, though. I was given a super secret covert mission. I was to keep Cora and a friend out of either house from around 7pm until whenever I was called and told it was ok to bring them back. Both girls are about to turn twelve. When they turn twelve, they will move up from Primary into the Young Women's organization at church. The teens in the Young Women's group have youth group every Wednesday night, and they wanted to welcome the girls in style. While I kept them out delivering cookies to an injured member and eventually eating pie as slowly as I could....the young women "Heart Attacked" the girls' rooms! We didn't say a thing. It was about 8:30 when I finally brought her home. She mumbled something about getting ready for bed and went straight to her room. A moment later, I heard a very confused, "Um....MOM!" Cora was stunned and very touched that they would do something like this for her.

This weekend, +Liam Shepherd is attending a huge church Valentine's Day Dance in Klamath Falls. That's about two hours away. We still need to take Cora to a special dinner to celebrate her "graduation" from 8th grade, and we had promised the kids sushi next time we visited K.Falls. Instead of trying to fit everything into one night, we decided to make a weekend of it. Rooms are cheap, so the kids will have their own. Jason took Friday off so we can spend the day exploring and pricing out the various organic markets in town. Saturday, we are registered to see a bird show (Winter Raptors), and thought we might follow it with a nature walk. A couple of the kids' friends are going to have dinner with use, then attend the dance, too. One will be left behind in our care. He'll stay in the motel with us and hang out with us Sunday until we finally make it back to our area in the evening. Sunday, the kids are excited to attend church with some of the friends they've made at these big Stake events. All in all, it sounds like a fun filled weekend!

Affordable Organics Delivered to Your Door

While I'm not opposed to trading honest reviews for cash or free products (hint hint), no one has paid me for this post. In full disclosure, if you were to find this company valuable enough to sign up for a membership, you and I would both receive a referral benefit of $10 store credit. That's only useful if we like the company and products in the first place.

So, today I'm talking about The Green PolkaDot Box. This is where we buy our organic produce. Their produce prices average out to about the same as our local cost for non-organic produce, and we order enough for free shipping. The shipping costs on smaller orders is surprisingly low, which is great for people whose houses aren't regularly infested with hungry teenagers.  It may not be useful if you live in an area with ample access to organic products, though. When we lived in Portland, for instance, there were so many competitive options that a working knowledge of local resources made a greater variety available for a lower price. I don't think I've found fresher, or higher quality produce even at farmer's markets, though. The quality is absolutely impeccable.

This is a kind of buying club. You have to pay a membership fee to join. You can buy a "trial" membership for a single order for $10. If you then decide to buy an annual membership ($50), they will deduct the $10 you spent on your trial from the annual fees. That's what we did. Their website can be a little buggy but their customer support is INCREDIBLE. So friendly and helpful and positive! They bend over backward to help us out and are earnestly thankful (even excited) to have us as customers.

We currently only buy produce from The Green PolkaDot Box. They are constantly expanding their stock, but they don't have enough low cost options for the foods we regularly eat to be the best option. We still buy our nonperishable organics using our Amazon Prime account on Amazon.com at this time. I would highly recommend checking out The Green PolkaDot Box's selection for yourself, though. Their deals may match up quite well with your eating habits. They seem to be making a concerted effort to cater to vegan, vegetarian, diabetic, celiac, gluten free, and other special dietary needs - in addition to a commitment to offer certified organic, non-GMO products.

In closing, if you do decide to order from The Green PolkaDot Box, I ask that you please use our links. The referral bonus we receive will reduce our household grocery costs, and every little bit helps! (http://www.greenpolkadotbox.com/invite/id/17378/ in case you have any issues with the links!) Also, if you have personal experience with The Green PolkaDot Box, please share it below in the comments. I'd love to know how this program is working out for others!

Church Attendance and ASD

It's Sunday morning and my family is at church without me...again. It's not because I'm sick, or having a crisis of faith, or even because I don't want to go. It's because my family needs a wife and mother the other 6 days of the week. It will take me 2 - 4 days to recover from the rigors of that kind of social experience, and I won't be back to 100% for at least a week (assuming I'm not obligated to attend any other social activities while recovering). I love church and I really miss it when I don't go. I think I attend about 1 - 2 weeks per month, though, and I only make it through all three hours a few times per year.

From the discussions I've had with other folks on the autistic spectrum, the way I experience church is pretty common for autistic adults. It's easier for those who are highly medicated, but never actually easy like it is for NTs. I thought today I would explain to the world what church is like for me, and a great deal of other faithful autistic members.

First, we arrive. I try to arrange for us to arrive early. +Liam Shepherd likes to help pass sacrament, and needs to be a little early for that. Also, if we are late I will have my first wave of petrifying anxiety upon entering the sacrament hall. While all eyes are on us, and we're interrupting the Bishop's announcements, we have to figure out where to sit. +Jason Shepherd will just follow whoever heads for a seat first. The three ASD family members will all feel their hearts beating, their breath tightening, and their minds become foggy. Even if our usual seat is free, one of the kids will make a B line for a seat that doesn't have enough room or where Jason (who's 6'7" barefoot) will block someone's view. I'll have to publicly and even more distractingly stop them and point out our seat. If our usual seat is taken, I feel a blinding panic. And when I say blinding, I mean my vision goes foggy and sometimes I get tunnel vision. I have to push past that and find a seat. Sometimes someone else will find one that works and I'll gratefully follow.

We have gotten pretty good at arriving early. We go to our usual seats, and I try to be invisible. The bishop always makes a point of stopping by and saying hi, and sometimes other people do too. If we don't exchange more than a couple statements each, it's kind of nice. More than that and I start to become a little anxious. Sometimes I feel a social obligation to try to socialize a little with someone. I always end up feeling awkward and pretty sure I said something offensive or otherwise inappropriate, but I almost never have a clue what that might have been. Eventually church starts. I really like the songs a lot. I feel the spirit strongly when we sing, and it's refreshing in the way church should be. I like that the ward we're in now sings a lot. Some wards only sing a single verse of each of 3 songs. This ward sings 4 whole songs! Prayer is ok. I find public prayers kind of distracting and very difficult to focus on. My mind tends to wander. Sacrament itself is a little nerve wracking. People really pay a lot of attention to what others are doing at this point. I don't think anyone is interested in me in particular, but most do end up looking at me when they are randomly glancing around. I feel a strong pressure to make sure I'm doing the right things and that my family is too. Otherwise, I'll face someone being convinced something is wrong and wanting to help later in the day or week. I make every attempt to look casual and happy. It seems to be the right thing to do. I smile if someone looks directly at me, but pretend they aren't looking if they don't. I like it best when Liam serves our sacrament because the servers always watch you and that causes an intense pressure not to do anything out of place. Liam doesn't care what we do, and gives me a look like he's in on the joke if we do something odd. That's soothing. Actually taking the Sacrament is nice. Everything else goes away for a few moments. I am completely internalized and nothing else exists. As I understand it, though, a lot of people on the spectrum get nothing out of it because all those people around them are so distracting that they really aren't doing anything but eating some bread and water. The talks are a lot like sacrament, except with someone staring at me for an hour straight. Sometimes the speaker or someone else up front will stare directly at us for a bit, but mostly they are staring blankly over the crowd. We'll be fine so long as we don't stand out in any way. I'm just going to repeat that. No NT drama will be unleashed on me or my family in the future so long as the autistic family who are the only autistic people in the whole ward, and that most of the local members have ever met...doesn't stand out in any way for an entire hour in a nearly silent room full of people sitting as still as statues. That seems likely, right? So, like 5 - 10 times per meeting groups of people snap their eyes onto us in reaction to something one of us did - often without knowing we did it. That number is so low because my kids are older and we have really got the hang of this. From what I gather, we are really blessed with more innate and instinctual camouflage than most people on the spectrum.

If it's been a good week, and a decent Sacrament meeting, I make it all the way through. Otherwise, I have to go hide in the bathroom and get myself under control for a few minutes, so I don't have a panic in the middle of church. So, Sacrament meeting ends and the socializing begins. I do best if I can just stand there uncomfortably and listen to Jason or the kids having conversations. The other ward members are very sweet and want me to feel included though. So, I smile and wear the body language of someone at ease the best I can. I make small talk and try to remember this is a sign of affection. It may be confusing and awkward for me, but it's how these people tell me they like me and care about me. I shake the hands that are offered. I even initiate the shaking when I know it's coming anyway. It's a sign of respect, and people appreciate that. I smile and consciously will my muscles not to tighten up when people hug me. I can't quite keep my muscles relaxed and hug back, but I make the motion and that seems to be good enough. Those hugs are stifling. I feel like I'm trapped and suffocating. They don't usually last long, though. And I understand they are expressions of caring. They are telling me I matter to them. As much as I hate hugs, I would hate if they stopped hugging me, too.

And suddenly, everyone disperses. It becomes calm and quiet in the halls. Usually, this is when I head home. I only recently started that habit though. For the past 14 years or so, this is when I slip into the bathroom, instead of heading to class. I don't often catch much of the Sunday School class. I have to spend that time recovering from Sacrament meeting and preparing for another hour in Relief Society. I lock myself in a stall and breath. Usually, in a manner that closely resembles hyperventilating. I cry. I shake uncontrollably. Sometimes I vomit. Whatever I do, I am as quiet as I can be. The last thing I need is to deal with the interference of someone that doesn't understand what I'm going through. It's hard enough to go through without an audience. When I can hold myself together again, I get myself cleaned up. I find makeup uncomfortable on my skin, but I usually wear it for church anyway. While this adds a little to my overwhelm, it's also a necessary coping technique. I wear so little that most people can't tell I'm wearing it, but it's enough to cover up what I am going through. It's taken me years of work to refine my process to such speed that I can actually attend the full Relief Society meeting. I am only late if I have to meet with the Bishop between meetings or something, anymore.

When the stars align to allow me into Sunday School, I try to just sit in the back and keep my mouth shut. I intentionally don't study the manual, in order to reduce my ability to contribute to the conversation. When we're studying a topic I am knowledgeable on, I usually leave. Teachers usually want specific input from their students, and I am prone to responding honestly and accurately instead. I have NO idea what is actually expected of me, and the answers they're looking for seem too obvious and shallow to have bothered asking for them. Not all teachers are like this, of course, but it's kind of the standard. I don't know if I'll ever understand how to function in these kind of situations. When I try, I just end up back in the bathroom crying anyway. Plus, it often leads to a really negative battle between my self respect and my frustration at being so damned different and weird all the time.

Relief Society is a mixed bag. It is the most intense and demanding part of the day. The singing is frustrating. I have a deep voice. In choirs, I usually end up singing Tenor. The pianist doesn't play anything I can sing with and I don't read music quite well enough to sing really independently against the crowd of higher tones. The smaller, more intimate group means significantly less people to be constantly aware of. It also means individuals are more likely to focus on me. Much more likely, as portions of the format often require the group to focus on specific members. I do best when I'm prepared ahead of time. Reading a verse, maybe, or having a prepared item to present. I'm VERY good at public presentations and speaking. I shake so badly I can't even hold notes, but I'm good at it. So, I don't like it but I always accept an opportunity anyway. I'd rather struggle and succeed than hide from challenges, and I always succeed at that.

I hate hate hate praying publicly, though. It's too private. It's like having sex in public or something. Plus, I pray weird. I sound like a child. Very simple and honest and from the heart. People love to hear me pray and always rave about how refreshing and pure and I don't know what else my prayers are. It's like wearing a sign that says "Freak" though. It's one place I really really stand out as clearly different from everyone else. That kind of thing has lasting effects on my relationships, my family, whether anyone will EVER give me a calling, whether my home and visiting teachers will feel comfortable enough to actually let me know I was assigned to them, etc.

There's more socializing after church. And always more hugging. When we get home, I go immediately to bed. Jason usually brings me some lunch and insists I eat. I eat a little and fall asleep with the plate next to me in bed. I sleep for hours, get up for dinner, and go back to sleep. For the next few days, I go to bed early, sleep late, and nap a lot during the day. And I'm overly sensitive. I yell or cry at the drop of a hat. That's not an acceptable lifestyle for me or my family. So, I usually just don't go to church.

Project Day - Cat Genie

It started off like any normal Tuesday. +Liam Shepherd alternated between eating, attended classes, and reporting on his every thought and action while not in our presence...and eating....and sometimes telling us about things we were there for...and eating. It was a generally positive and productive day. Cora is whipping through her new courses and had an exam to mail off. That puts her 1/6 of the way through a full year of Freshman Psychology in 2 days.

Mail drops off at our house, but we have to take things to the post office to send them. Liam joined Cora for the walk, while I enjoyed the rarity of a completely empty house for a bit. And that was when the excitement began! That was when the packages arrived. A late Christmas present. Something we've been wanting and talking about getting for as long as it's existed, but could never bring ourselves to splurge on. A Cat Genie.

If you're not familiar with a Cat Genie, let me explain. It's the most ridiculously expensive and indulgent litter box ever invented. It looks like a giant toilet for cats. I say giant because it's bigger than a toilet for people. It plugs into the wall, and taps into the water, and has a drainage tube that dumps liquidized waste into the toilet. If the data I've read is accurate, after the initial insanely expensive purchase, it shouldn't actually cost us any more than the litter we already buy. In fact, we spend a little more than most so we can have super environmentally friendly litter, and I think this thing will end up reducing our budget a bit. It takes a special kind of litter that it washes clean after each use, with a special kind of cleaner. It's pretty darned environmentally conscious for a litter box, is self scooping, self cleaning, and it even disposes of the waste for you. We can barely fit the damn thing in our tiny bathroom, and I don't think we'll even be able to attach to cool privacy dome accessory it came with. It possibly the most indulgent thing I've ever suggested. Our cats have no idea how good they have it.

There was jumping and screaming and roaring with excitement when the kids arrived home. I let them set it up as much as they could by themselves. They're always chomping at the bit for a new project. They're waiting until +Jason Shepherd is home from work to deal with the water and power issues, though. He wants to work on it, too, and the kids aren't 100% confident they can set it up without flooding the bathroom....again.

How did you become the parent you are?

I don't think my big sister realizes just how significant an influence she's had on who I am and who +Liam Shepherd  and Cora are. If it weren't for her, we would have ended up much more mainstream and socially acceptable. We certainly wouldn't have been capable of the kind of love and respect that has driven us to become so unusual.

There are many examples, small and large, of ways she's supported and encouraged us once we were already traveling our paths. The secret, though, is that she put us onto this path in the first place. It was the smallest of things. She gave me some art for the wall at Liam's baby shower. A poem about raising children.

Those first few years were very hard for me. It seemed like anything that could go wrong, did. On top of which, I didn't exactly have a sitcom perfect childhood to use as a template for how to parent. I actually went to sitcoms for specific strategies. When it came to my day to day ideals about how to live and how to treat my children, though, I went back to this poem. Over and over. Sometimes several times per day. I took it literally. I took it figuratively. It was my sacred text. It was the guiding principal behind most of my choices those first few years.

Those choices formed the foundation for my ideals as a parent. They taught me to value the attitudes and beliefs that I eventually found mirrored in the members of the LDS church. They are the basis for the values and beliefs I've taught my children. As such, they're the seed their personalities have been built upon.

Over the years, I've added to my library of resources and references to aid me in being the kind of parent I want to be....and in raising the kind of people I hope to raise. This poem will always hold a place of honor in our household, though. It was the beginning of everything for our family.

Lady Gaga Invades the House

+Liam Shepherd and Cora both love music. There is almost always music playing in both of their rooms. They sing together when they're doing chores or playing together. They take any opportunity to break into dance. Cora's all time favorite artist is K. T. Tunstall, but she enjoys a wide variety of other artists, too.

One such artist is Lady Gaga. She has expressed as much to my big sister, Aunt A. Well, Aunt A happened to attend a Lady Gaga concert last night, which Cora thought was just the coolest thing ever. Aunt A happens to be the coolest aunt ever, though. She arranged to call Cora when her favorite Lady Gaga song (Poker Face) was playing, so she could listen to it live over the phone.

So, Cora brought a pile of books to bed with her last night. Her plan was to stay awake reading until the phone call came in, however late that might be. Luckily, Lady Gaga chose to perform that number early in her show. I was barely asleep, at 10:39, when I was awakened by a text from Cora, letting me know she'd heard the song and was going to sleep. She will often text me when she doesn't want to get out of bed to say or ask something at night. That's a huge improvement on her not getting out of bed to tell us even important things.

This morning, she's bright and chipper, and I heard nothing but Lady Gaga all morning until the kids left for their Archery Club meeting. Luckily, it was super early today, on account of there being no school!

Went Off Without a Hitch

That's the theme of the day. The fuel company did, in fact, fill our tank last night. They got to us before the house even cooled down too much! We all slept comfy and toasty on our beds and went about our day today. This morning was pretty average, but this afternoon had a few twists.

First off, Cora had her 4-H Knitting and Crocheting Club meeting this afternoon. The location was changed at the last minute, to an mile or so away. We only have one car, and +Jason Shepherd  didn't get off work until half an hour into the meeting. Last meeting, a new assistant was so enthusiastic about "helping" Cora (in spite of my constantly asking her to back off) that I had to take her home early, in tears. She loves the kids and regular leader, but absolutely cannot attend alone until she's figured out how to manage this assistant. I was planning to walk her down and sit with her, but I'm going through a particularly inconvenient phase of healing from my most recent miscarriage. I'm frankly not up to the longer walk, and I would have caused a scene by the time I got there.

So, +Liam Shepherd walked her. There was a little confusion finding the place, but after a quick call home to double check their directions, they arrived right on time. He sat with her until Jason was free. Then Jason took over and Liam came home. By then, his friends were done with school and he was managing a text storm. It wasn't long before he had a buddy over to check out his new Star Wars Kinnect game. His buddy left about the time Jason and Cora came home. There was no sign of the assistant this week, so class was a smashing success.

Today, all the obstacles turned out to be smaller than they appeared in the mirror. Everything went off without a hitch. I'm looking forward to whatever culinary masterpiece Jason has commandeered the kitchen to create, and a few episodes of Star Trek: Voyager with the family, before bed.

A Day in the Life

Yesterday was a pretty average, normal Friday for us. I've always found these kind of posts very interesting, so I thought I'd share.

5:00am +Jason Shepherd's alarm went off. He got up, got dressed, had breakfast, made his lunch, and left for work.

6:00am Jason's work day started. He works all of 5 - 10 minutes from our house.
            +Liam Shepherd's alarm went off. If he was well rested, he would lounge in bed and read or work on his American School homework. He has a cold and didn't sleep well last night though, so he just rolled over and went back to sleep.

7:00am Liam and my alarms go off. This time, Liam gets up and starts getting dressed.

7:10am I wander downstairs and make sure Liam is up and moving. He's usually in the shower or getting dressed by now. Sometimes he falls back to sleep though, and I'm his safety net. Liam grabs a bite to eat (usually an egg and something carby like toast, a frozen waffle, a banana, etc), and heads to the local Public School.

8:00am Liam's Algebra I class is starting. He tries to get to school early (sometimes as early as 7:30am) though, so he can hang out and talk with his teachers and the other staff, and say a quick "hi" to some of the other students.
            I wake Cora up. She always whines, but the past few months she's actually started getting moving after only one wake up call. She moves slowly, getting dressed, feeding the cats, cleaning the litter box, brushing her teeth and doing something with her hair. She's really into her hair. Then, picking the perfect hat to pull over whatever hair style she just crafted.

9:00am Liam is home by now. Cora is ready to start her day. Liam is hungry again. He usually makes some eggs and english muffins for himself, his sister, and me. I make up what we call "Vitamin Juice" for us to drink with our breakfast. That's a nourishing infusion that is nutritionally similar to taking vitamins. Only, it doesn't upset our stomachs like pills, tastes yummy, and I can adjust it daily based on our habits and needs. I tend to drink it throughout the day. Everyone else has a cup at breakfast, and more if they are feeling run down during the day. After breakfast, Liam goes in his room and works on his Algebra homework. Cora goes in her room to work on whatever she's working on that day. She wrote a 35,000 word story and ate through Teaching Textbooks Pre-Algebra and Rosetta Stone's first level of Spanish recently. It's going to be a few months until we can purchase more Spanish, and she has asked that we enroll her in American School, too, instead of buying higher levels of curriculum for her. American School operates at a painfully slow pace, though, so it will be late January before she gets the materials for her first class. Until then, she creates digital art, practices singing with her favorite songs, knits, crochets, dresses up the cats, plays with her toys, and reads for fun.

10:00am Liam is back at the local Public School for P.E. He walks to and from each time, regardless of the weather. It's only 4 blocks from the house. Cora is out interacting with me again. Maybe helping with some chores, or asking for help on some project of her own.

11:00am Liam gets home from P.E. Jason has just gotten home because he has a half day on Fridays. He works 9hrs per day M-Th, and 4 on F. If Liam hasn't finished his Algebra, he does so. Then he works on the American School program. He brings out questions for me to help with, and quizzes for me to grade. At least once per week, he has an Exam too. These I don't have an answer book for. I look them over the best I can, and we discuss his answers. Then we scan it (in case it's lost in the mail or something) and he prepares it for mailing.

12:30pm Liam stands in the doorway of the dining room, holds his head, and declares, "ohhhh man.....I have brainfry." Then he walks to the kitchen while telling us (or the air, if no one is around), "I need something to eat." Cora stealthily appears in the kitchen about this time to either ask him to make her some lunch, too, or offer to make something for both of them. This week was special though. One of Liam's friends offered to buy him lunch. So, he rushed off to meet his friend. Since they were meeting at the library, Cora joined him. She had books to return, and check out. Plus she and Liam's friend enjoy hanging out, too.

1:00pm Liam's new mattress arrived. This was a belated Christmas gift that has just had one shipping issue after another (or should I say "suffered from being shipped via FedEx"). The latest estimate had said it would arrive the previous day, so we weren't completely blind sided. We brought it in, and were going to set it up in Liam's room. We opened the door to find that his definition of "Did an extra good job cleaning my room" meant trash, books, papers, and dirty laundry everywhere. Luckily, he was still goofing around at the library, so we called him back and asked him to clean and vacuum properly before we set up the new mattress. Cora came home along with him. She made herself a tuna salad sandwich (Jason just made up some tuna salad and put it in the fridge), some pickles, and an apple for lunch.

2:00pm Jason realized I hadn't had any lunch and dropped some microwaved left overs in front of me with instructions to eat. If he or one of the kids doesn't remind me, I won't remember to eat until dinner time, usually. I have "task initiation" weaknesses and would mostly live off of Vitamin Juice if others didn't interfere. Every other Friday, Liam has a standard appointment. He meets his friend at the library. They return books, check new ones out, goof around, then wander out into downtown to goof around some more until it's time to go to their Archery Club meeting. If one of them has some extra pocket cash, he buys lunch for them both. This week, his buddy had earned a Subway gift card for some achievement, so he bought.

2:30pm Cora started walking to the Archery Club meeting. It's about 6 blocks away, on the same street we live. She always has the option of being driven, but generally prefers walking.

3:30pm I started calling the kids. They're both supposed to call to let us know when they arrive somewhere, if they are going to leave, and if they run into problems on the way. Neither Jason or I had heard from either of them in an hour. Warm ups started at 3, and the meeting had just started. They had both been there since the doors were opened shortly before 3 and both forgot to call. They're both very apologetic. We were supportive and positive and don't harp on them or mention punishments on the phone, for fear one or both would become unmanageably upset at the meeting. Consequences can wait until later.

4:30pm The meeting is over. The kids called and asked if they could stay late to practice and hang out with their friends. We gave permission.

5:00pm The kids called to let us know they're coming home. We asked if they'd like a ride, and they both opted to walk. They were both being super respectful about keeping us informed. We decided that our brief earlier discussion seemed to have been enough correction. So, we let the matter go.

5:30pm The kids were home, and Jason and I were on our way out. It's date night for us. We reminded the kids that, other than the meat that's marinating, we have a whole kitchen full of food they can make for dinner. We expected them to eat something solid, not crackers or toast, for dinner.

6:00pm Jason and I had dinner at the local burger joint. There isn't really anything formal in town, and the food is better there than most of the family style restaurants available.

7:00pm Jason and I saw a movie together. I'll make a whole post about the movie theater another day. It deserves it's own post! There's only one moving playing in town, and only 3 showings per week. Friday is discount pricing, so we usually catch whatever is playing on Friday night- unless one or both of us has strong feelings against seeing that movie. This week it was Red Dawn. We were both really excited to see this one, because the original is a childhood favorite for us.

9:00pm Back home again. Cora took her evening shower while we were gone. The kids told us they had tuna salad sandwiches and about 1/2 lb of baby carrots for dinner. Could be worse. We gave them our leftover popcorn (we ALWAYS do this. I don't think I've gone to a movie without them without bringing home leftover popcorn for the kids since they were old enough to eat popcorn), and pop on an episode of Star Trek: Voyager (this will also get it's own post eventually. It's a "thing".) to watch as a family. Then, we sent the kids to bed.

9:30pm Cora was in bed reading The Hobbit. We have a rule about having to read the book before you're allowed to see the movie, and it's playing next week. Liam was saying his final round of good-nights and hugs before bed (he's a big hugger), and copped an attitude about some stupid thing or another. Before we know it, he and I were in an impassioned argument about him taking responsibility for his actions instead of trying to convince himself he isn't in control of his choices. Jason chipped in a little here and there, but mostly stays out of the spur of the moment things like this. He's an NT and can't quite keep track of where Liam and I are logically or emotionally when this happens, and doesn't want to aggravate things.

10:30pm We've resolved the issue, hugged it out, identified key problem behaviors Liam wants to work on, and determined a reasonable plan of action. He was exhausted and fell asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Jason and I cuddled up on the couch to watch some not-kid-friendly tv. All our favorite shows are still on hiatus so we ended up watching a couple episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We haven't watched it since it first aired and have forgotten so much it's almost like new, watching it again. We've been working through the series from the beginning when there's nothing else we like on tv.

11:30pm Jason went to bed. Most nights, we're in bed around 9ish, even with a little tv together. Fridays we can stay up as late as Jason can stay awake. He really had to fight to make it this late! I wasn't far behind him. First, I needed to make up tomorrow's Vitamin Juice, plus turn the heater down, check the locks, turn off lights, and make sure Cora is asleep or tell her it's time. She'll stay up all night reading, even though she's tired, if we don't help her remember to sleep. That messes up her sleep rhythm and has a ripple effect of negative symptoms and behaviors. She's really been making an effort though, and is usually asleep before I check on her.

What Do You Mean by "Unschool"?

Unschooling is probably one of the vaguest descriptions ever. By itself, it doesn't really mean anything. This is because every single person that has anything (good or bad) to say about unschooling has a very specific definition...that doesn't match up with anyone else's definition. I'm sure they'll all disagree with me and insist their definition is right, everyone else's is wrong, and I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about. More power to them.

Unschooling can mean anything from "I let my children help pick their curriculum" to "I think it's offensive and demeaning to ever correct, guide, or in any way parent my child".

I usually use the term "homeschooling" unless I'm dealing with other homeschoolers. Then describe us as "unschool-y" because they undoubtedly have a strict idea of what unschooling is, and we most likely don't meet their criteria.

A better term for what we do would be "Child-led Learning" but people just clarify by saying "you mean unschooling?" when I use it. Being stubborn about my language is something people really tend to hate, so this is an area I kind of translate myself.

So what do I mean by Child-led Learning? I mean the children are essentially responsible for and in control of their educations. I'm still their parent. I still nag them to clean their rooms and do their chores. I don't decide what they are capable of or interested in and then expect them to comply, though. We've moved a lot over the years. When we lived in very permissive states, that meant they were free to study what they wanted, when they wanted, or not to study at all. Because they were never pressured to learn what someone else wanted them to, they never learned to be resistant to knowledge. If they wanted to spend all day trying to dig to China, so be it. When +Liam Shepherd decided he wanted to read and work out of my college statistics textbook at age 7, so be it. He worked 3 chapters with 100% accuracy before tiring of the subject and focusing his attention on the culinary arts instead.

When we lived in areas with fewer freedoms, we handled things differently. Even when they were very young, I would sit down with the kids and explain the laws of the land. We would discuss, together, how they wanted to go about abiding with those laws. That could mean as much as annual testing and choosing curriculum for a variety of subjects. I know a lot of unschoolers just do what they want and try to evade detection, but that doesn't align with my personal sense of morality. As such, it's not a behavior I want to teach my children.

Now, we're back to a fairly permissive state. The kids can basically spend their days outside playing if they'd like, so long as they don't test incredibly dramatically low on standardized tests every few years. That's not what they want, though. The local high school offered to let Liam attend part time and he accepted. So, he's enrolled as a Freshman for Algebra I and P.E. He has enjoyed the academic discussions with his teachers, but finds all the disruptive and immature demonstrations by the students to make 2 classes per day his limit. A couple months ago, he asked us to enroll him in American School of Correspondence. Cora mostly plays with the cat and knits or crochets scarves right now, when she's not reading Shakespeare or something. I suppose I could have just entered that last sentence instead of this whole long thing. It sums up what I mean by "unschooling" quite well all by itself.

Happy New Year

Happy 2013!

I hope your New Year celebrations were amazing. Ours were Stressful but Successful. You'll hear that term from me a lot. It's a kind of family tag line. As a result, today everyone is content and mellow.

Usually, we spend New Year's Eve at home as a family. This year, everyone had different plans, though. +Liam Shepherd had his heart set on attending a big, formal dinner and dance at our Stake Center (about 2.5 hr drive through snowy mountains). Cora had her heart set on attending the Bishop's Breakfast and Board Game Night with our Ward (only a 5 minute drive). +Jason Shepherd and I were hoping to do something special, just the two of us, too. With the help of some friends from church, we were able to pull it all off!

Jason got home from work at about 3:30. Just enough time to shower, change, and get on the road. We left Cora with a very nice (if early) dinner, and clear, simple instructions. She needed to be at her friend's house by 6 so they could give her a ride to her event. We also called every 1 - 2 hours throughout the evening, to check in and remind her of each impending part of the evening.

Our drive was a little icy in spots, but overall not too nerve wracking. Liam arrived about ten minutes early. We had drilled him on proper etiquette for this event, on the drive. We've really been drilling him his whole life, but he tends to just mimic the behaviors of others in new environments. He needs to be reminded of what's appropriate and that we expect no less. We walked him in, said hello to the leaders, and headed off to dinner.

Dinner was incredible! I made reservations weeks ago for this trendy little Asian Fusion restaurant. We wanted a nice meal, but we didn't want to spend our 5 hours in the car while wearing dressy clothes. Well, mainly, I didn't. I don't think Jason would have cared either way. Anyway, this is the kind of restaurant where jeans and a nice shirt are totally appropriate. Perfect! And wow. The food was just ... WOW! Jason had huli huli beef, and I had peppercorn seared ahi tuna with Asian slaw and avocado wasabi mousse. It was even better than it sounds. Plus, it was an artistic masterpiece. You know, where the chef uses different sauces to make your plate look like modern art, then stacks the food onto it like a sculpture. We had one of the house specialty sushi plates for an appetizer  coconut limeades, and croissant bread pudding with yummy sauces for dessert. It was heavenly. It was also significantly cheaper than we had expected, and we plan to make dinner there a regular thing when we go into that town.

The restaurant was understaffed and we really took our time anyway, so we just wandered around downtown a bit. Then, it was time to pick Liam up. The celebrated an East Coast New Years at 9pm our time. The dance was over at 10. As we entered the building, we were practically accosted by the adult leaders. In turn, they all came over to rave about how much they love Liam and how polite and well mannered he was. I think every girl in the place made a point of saying goodbye to him. We had pointed out how much time and energy the girls went through getting ready, and that they all wanted a boy to ask them to dance (though the girls around here are really good about asking the boys too), and it wasn't about crushes or finding them attractive. It was about having fun with friends, and making sure your friends have fun too. Apparently he took it all to heart. He danced every single slow dance, and made a point of asking girls that weren't getting asked (and one boy. lol). He wasn't at all intimidated by the kid that tried to tease him for his fast dancing because, "Of course I looked weird when I was dancing. Everyone looks weird when they're dancing. It's dancing." There was no food on his clothes, which indicates far better than his usual table manners! He even came home with phone numbers of several kids, both boys and girls. It was a total win.

Then we drove home. It was a long, treacherous drive, and I think even the driver was asleep for part of it! We made it to the Bishop's Breakfast ten minutes after midnight!!! Just barely missed it, but earlier than we'd expected. We thanked the family that had brought Cora, and were again overwhelmed with compliments. I think this quote sums it all up well. "Cora behaves the way we hope our kids would behave when they're with someone else." As far as I can tell, she really just did everything right all night (except turning the lights and closing the front door all the way when she left, but those aren't surprises). She also had a wonderful time and was running around playing happily with other kids until we wrangled her down and forced her to come home with us.

I don't really remember anything past that. We all passed out as soon as we got home. I don't think any of us even made it out of our party clothes, and Jason didn't even make it all the way upstairs to the bedroom! He sat down on the couch "for just a minute" and was still there when I woke up in the morning!